“We are each other’s harvest; we are each other’s business; we are each other’s magnitude and bond.” ― Gwendolyn Brooks

At the beginning of the year 2022, HopeAfrica decided to give me time off from work to rest, recharge and reconnect with myself. This came naturally to an organisation that has always valued organisational and individual wellbeing way before it became a global phenomenon. In fact, our sole mandate is to help organisations create a dynamic, life-giving work environment and culture that acknowledges that grounded beings are the centre of their work.

Being away for a long period of time scared me, I was thinking of how things would function without me, a lie we often tell ourselves. Eventually I bought the ticket, seeking to map myself out, reflect on the parts of me that had been wounded and challenged from confronting patriarchy, when it reared its head close to home. This left me extremely unpopular within many circles and to be honest, it really is a lonely road. And so dragging the little life that was left in me, I set out for Uganda end of July 2022. It was going to be three months of nourishing my soul and reflecting; and probably finding answers to a few of the questions that had been swirling in my mind, keeping me up at night.

 

The cost of self-discovery and rest 

I once read a quote and that quote has stayed with me for a very long time, “A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone who knows you.” “The main character goes crazy when he realises no one really knows him. The gist is that, the person you think of as “yourself” exists only for you and even you don’t really know who that is. Every person you meet, make eye contact with on the street, or share a relationship with creates a version of you in their heads. You are not the same person to your mother, father, siblings, co-workers, neighbours, friends or lover. There are a thousand different versions of yourself out there, in people’s minds. A “you” exists in each version, and so your version of you is just but another figment, they do not exist after all.” In keeping with this same line of thinking, one could also say that people do not necessarily create a different version of you in their heads, but rather they all experience you differently, that you present differently. So then, who are you and who am I?

One thing that was crowding my mind and burdening my soul was grief. I felt lost and did not know who I was anymore. But taking time out to rest, feel what I did not want to feel and reflect helped me to accept that a part of me was gone but that a good part of me was also very eager to be alive, happy, hopeful and at peace. So here I was in an ambiguous state of both the new and the old, hope and despair, fatigued and recharged. I had days when I was overwhelmed by feelings of panic, fear, loss and confusion.  But while such confusion was uncomfortable, I knew it was presage to a bolder bald version of me. I experienced emotions I could not name and found versions of myself that I never knew existed. I found that when all was said and done, I would still want to pursue freedom and dismantle unequal power relations.  By taking time to reconnect with myself, I rediscovered my old loves and interests that I had packed away neatly, the ones that I didn’t have time for anymore. For the first time in a long time, I was alone with my thoughts and myself, in a foreign land which was not new to me.

Silence as a tool

I deactivated my usual number and used a new number. This was to assist me to listen with humility to the internal self, without external noise. The noise from constant asks and expectations though valid can be debilitating when you need healing and do not take time to recuperate. In any case you cannot give what you don’t have and this was an effective mantra that set foundation for my 3 months. The quietness enabled me to deeply listen to those tiny voices that I would not normally hear in the hustle and bustle of Harare.

Nourishment for the body, soul and mind

I fed my body and soul with wholesome foods, juices and tried out various cuisines. I explored foods from different cultures and found similarities and very vast differences. My appetite for food, was my appetite for everything else. I found a new hunger, excitement and thrill for food that I never had. Besides food being relatively cheaper than it is in Zimbabwe, I took advantage of this. This appetite for food is now very visible on my waistline.

As I ate, I read and fed my mind with art and rich conversations. Between the hustle and bustle of feminist movement building, care work and adulting I had not been reading as much. My mind was so cluttered that even I struggled to open a book and read, understand it and remember the story. My mind was constantly racing, racing against time and too much to do! But I rediscovered my love for reading. Sankara Pan African Library provided that solitude and a vast array of books to choose from. I loved its ambience, warmth and use of colour, a small safe haven in one corner of Kampala. I read in cafes and restaurants that were quirky and full of life and explored Akina Mama Wa Afrika’s (AMwA) huge collection of books and reports as well.

Kampala has a vibrant art scene. Before I left, I had started tapping into my love for art. So, I visited a few places and basked in that creativity and colour. I went to exhibitions and took many pictures when I would go on my various site seeing escapades. I rediscovered my love for photography and vowed to myself I would invest in a good camera and rekindle that. Someone, please hold me accountable.

Challenging twists and stretches 

In the first week of my stay, I was introduced to Joyce, a yogi who stretched me literary but with her inspiring reflections I thought I would break. I enjoyed the themed routines because they gave me scope to meditate on and reach for during and after the yoga sessions.  I also journaled about love, loss of what always felt like “home” for me, aloneness in the journey, death, embracing the unfamiliar. I realised that journaling is a practice that teaches us better than any other the elusive art of solitude – how to be present with our own selves, bear witness to our experience, and fully inhabit our inner lives. As I flexed my body into challenging twists and stretches, I took my mind and heart onto a similar discipline in my journal.

There is a finality that death brings not only the physical death but death of our dreams, our careers and that is what destabilises the core, well my core at least. It is the intimate connection and coherence an individual has in a community cloak, the individual love, and acceptances, making that individual feel extremely at home. Home here does not mean some territorial construction or just a mere roof over one’s head. It is rather the place where one has a sense of belonging. And I was looking for home everywhere and with everyone. Akina Mama gave me that for the 3 months.

I am happy to have experienced AMwA on my own. I have always heard so many wonderful things, stories of courage, triumph, resurrection of the organisation, healing, restructuring and daring to move on and still exist. Every young woman that I met (some who are now with Akina) have said their dream was to work with AMwa, which also means that the feminist version of the organisation, is one that is deeply entrenched in communities and those that come into contact with it. This experience was especially meaningful for me as I reflected on Hope Chigudu’s aspiration for the feminist movement but more so AmwA and her prayer for AmwA which she once shared with me in 2019,

“AMWA is one of our most treasured vehicles of change and transformation, one that has ‘radicalised’ many lives at all costs. Its founders, staff members, past and present leaders, have held and sustained her in spite of many trials and tribulations. We honour them, hold them in love, and we celebrate them. Please assure them that we are proud of what they pioneered and that their outcomes are scattered in many African countries. May they continue to allow their light and love to shine in the darkest places, rekindling connection and hope? In this way, may healing and wholeness spill from our hearts to our sisters? May we, too, stand as firm, tall and strong as they did and continue to do in the face of challenges?” Insert from A Prayer for AMWA, 2019.

Sustaining the new and recharged version of me

Having been away for 3 months I am managing to sustain my new rituals and practices. I have created boundaries that keep me sane and re-prioritising the order of life.  The time away from work was an intentional gift from HopeAfrica to me and I am excited for this next chapter in my life. This piece opened with the quote from Gwendolyn Brooks because it reminds me that the personal is political, that it is the community that holds us and that we are intertwined. An organisation is not an amorphous entity but a collection of living minds and bodies. Knowing this, I agree that these bodies and minds must be tended to, to ensure that they remain alive and ebullient.  I am surrounded by people who know my north star, who know my challenges, and who hold me accountable to my own development, celebrating my self-awareness and growth. I pray and hope you find people, siblings and spaces that nurture and nourish you too. More importantly, dear reader, create the time to rest, reflect and rediscover yourself.

About Glenda

Glenda H. Makumbe holds a Master’s in Public Policy and Governance from Africa University, as well as an Honours and Bachelor’s degree both from the University of Fort Hare, East London, South Africa. She is passionate about storytelling and especially African women stories and has contributed to SheLeads Africa on a series of profiling stories of young women in Zimbabwe. She has produced a booklet with HopeAfrica under the AWDF coaching program entitled HerStory.
She believes in the power, value and richness of different narratives and experiences telling our own stories bring. She hopes to continue amplifying the voices of African women and creating platforms for constructive conversations that spark energy towards leadership and change. When Glenda is not guest writing for online publications, running a 10k race, she enjoys gardening.